Bidet…Who? Bidet Me!

It’s my husband’s fault.

Which reminds me of the joke…

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

The answer is, of course, “yes.”

Actually, my husband is right on quite a number of things. And as it turns out, getting a bidet is right up there at the top of the list.

He’s been talking about bidets for ages. And I would listen, nod, and think, He’s insane, I’ll be damned if I’m spending hundreds of dollars on a toilet that will spray me in my nether regions.

I saw a bidet, the standard one, years ago, while cleaning a custom-built house. It sat right next to the toilet, and I was fascinated by it. How did it work? How did you sit on it? Or did you sit in it? And then, recently, I saw a bidet/toilet combo at a new client’s recently renovated historic building/bottling plant turned entertainment area/living space.

This one was fancy. A heated seat, warm water wash, the works. It was super-cool and I’ll admit I really wanted one. But…

I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed
There ain’t nothing in this world for free

That said, my husband mentioning a bidet again a week ago, and on a whim, I scoured Amazon to see what our choices were.

And that’s when I found this little add-on bidet. And for only $34.95!

Could something that inexpensive really work? I looked at the reviews and they had raked in over 6,000 reviews, with an average rating of 4.5 out 5 stars.

I thought about it for a day and decided, “Why not?!”

It was basic, no heated seat, no warm water rinse, but it looked pretty easy to install (sez the woman who asked her husband to handle those particulars) and it took about $10 more in parts (longer bolts and toilet seat bumpers to handle the raised seat).

“Try it out,” my husband said.

I looked at him, and held myself back from asking, “Who, me?” I had gotten us into this. I had bought the contraption, he had taken the time to install it, and now I got to take it for a test spin.

I turned one of the knobs, then the other. A jet of ice-cold water shot up into my nether regions with surprising force and I screeched in shock, turning it off quickly. My husband laughed and laughed, and I tried it again, shrieking again, shocked at how cold the water was.

Cold water – but I can get used to that – until such time as I write that bestselling novel.

After two days of using it, I have a review for you, my faithful readers.

It’s wonderful. I mean, sure, it would be far more wonderful if it had a heated seat, adjustable spray positions, and warm water. But overall, having experienced a bidet, I don’t think I ever want to go back to using a plain old toilet again. Why?

  • Less toilet paper

Where before we used loads of toilet paper, now I use a small handful of squares and just blot myself dry. I can’t tell you how great that makes me feel to not be flushing so much tissue down the pipes. I can’t help wondering how much of a strain this puts on our sewage and waste treatment plants.

  • Cleaner feeling “down there”

Do you remember a set of commercials for adult wet wipes where a guy covered in grease is trying to clean himself with toilet paper? Well, they had a point. Using a dry piece of paper to wipe off the “buttstuff” doesn’t work so well. A nice, cleansing jet of water, however, well it’s kind of like taking a mini-shower. Seriously, I’ve never felt so clean in all of my life.

My dad, upon hearing our reviews, gave his typical “Hmm” and shook his head. “I had a bidet in one of my apartments in Panama and never used it,” he said. “It’s too…French…for me.”

Okay, Dad, whatever.

As for me? I’m actually looking forward to using it each day. How’s that for weird?!

New goal in life: Earn enough from writing to buy a full bidet/toilet combo, complete with warmed seat, positional sprayer, the works.

Update: It is Thursday, 3/22 and the three of us (kiddo, husband and me) have been using the bidet for nearly a week. Today, we put out a new roll of toilet paper for the first time since Saturday. At this point, my husband is the only one who utilizes it.

Not to get too personal…

WARNING! WARNING!

But if you do a little shimmy shake (kind of like twerking!) while the bidet is spraying, everything gets nice and clean. I’m made some family cloth (see here for details on making your own) to blot off with. These cloths have no “residue” and are simply for drying off with. They go into a basket next to the toilet and will be washed on laundry day.

Financially speaking, the bidet should pay for itself in approximately 45 days of use. After that, it is a savings of close to a dollar per day, thanks to no longer needing toilet paper. The family cloth is not gross, since all of the ick has been washed off and is in the toilet (believe me, the spray is…energetic…on its lowest setting).

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